


with all my bitterness gone (happy, I'll be)

by yspir



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Basketball Games, Happy Ending, M/M, Prom, less than ideal family dynamics, the works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 07:46:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18048473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yspir/pseuds/yspir
Summary: Every now and then, TJ would call up Coach Rez and ask him to open the gym up in the mornings before class. It was a good place to clear his head. He was usually met by a pat on the back and a “You’re a good kid, Kippen. Don’t work yourself too hard” before Coach went to get a few balls out of the locker room. TJ didn’t really feel like a good kid most of the time, but he supposed it was really mostly an empty statement. Just a thing to say. The heater in the gym was never on this early in the mornings. In the winter it was frigid cold and sometimes hard to dribble when his hands went numb. It was better than the alternative.





	with all my bitterness gone (happy, I'll be)

**Author's Note:**

> did anyone ask for this? no  
> it it a unique or cool idea? not particularly  
> did i write far too many words of it anyways? hell yeah i did  
>   
> this mostly kinda sorta ignores canon. Like some of its in there, but only where it worked ya know? the existence of 3x13 is ignored entirely because i like to find my own ways to make TJ sad  
> I chose to rate this G but TJ does swear like twice if that sort of thing bothers you  
> title is from Mess by Noah Kahan which is a song that hits me in all the feely places, because this fic is about TJ but secretly its actually about me, too.

Every now and then, TJ would call up Coach Rez and ask him to open the gym up in the mornings before class. It was a good place to clear his head. He was usually met by a pat on the back and a “You’re a good kid, Kippen. Don’t work yourself too hard” before Coach went to get a few balls out of the locker room. TJ didn’t really feel like a good kid most of the time, but he supposed it was really mostly an empty statement. Just a thing to say. The heater in the gym was never on this early in the mornings. In the winter it was frigid cold and sometimes hard to dribble when his hands went numb. It was better than the alternative.

TJ went to his first class of the day primed and ready with a clear mind that was just waiting to get fogged up all over again. English and history were fine, same old, but TJ thought his math class was created with the sole purpose of being his own personal hell. Mr. Coleman thought that it would be a good idea to give participation points based on forcing students to write homework answers up on the board _every day_. TJ begrudgingly tried once. He got the problem completely wrong, he did a terrible job explaining his thought process, and Coleman made him keep standing in front of the class the entire time he re-explained it. Every time TJ gets called on now he just declines and takes the 0. It’s not worth the humiliation. 

He spent the class like he usually did: sitting all the way in the back next to the door making absolutely no noise and no eye contact while trying to make himself as small as possible in the hope that no one would see him before he snuck out the door and pretended he was never there. He liked to think it worked, usually. It didn’t today. He had his hand on the door handle when he heard Coleman call his name. “TJ, stick around for a minute. I need to talk with you.”

***

TJ parked his car in the empty garage, letting himself into his house with the key hidden under the paintbrush hanging at his dad’s workstation. TJ didn’t get why his parents never just gave him a key of his own, but he supposed he didn’t really know what was going through their heads most of the time anyways. He grabbed a granola bar from the cupboard and then went to his room and all but threw himself at his bed. He laughed to himself ruefully, knowing that most kids his age would use a weekend home alone to throw some crazy party. Instead, TJ pulled the paper from Coleman back out of his bag, re-reading the words and then crumpling it up and chucking it as hard as he could with frustration.

Not for the first time TJ wished his brother didn’t have to go off to college two years before him. Junior year was as tough as people warned him it would be. Without Alex here to walk him through his math homework, TJ had no chance of ever getting it done. Alex had offered over the phone tutoring before he left but collegiate baseball took more time than it did in high school. TJ had yet to get a hold of him for more than 20 minutes.

TJ got up and retrieved the paper, trying to smooth it out. He really shouldn't have crumpled it. Coleman wanted it returned first thing in class on Monday (“no excuses, TJ”) with his parents’ signatures to make sure they knew he was already failing. His parents didn’t get home till Monday afternoon.

TJ had gotten pretty good at forgery over the years, and he never did his homework correctly anyways, so it wasn’t really that big of an issue.

***

TJ spent basically the whole weekend in bed. He only got up to put frozen food in the microwave. It was actually a pretty good weekend as far as weekends went. There was no one here to give him a judgemental look for not doing anything, and the basketball season didn’t start in earnest for another couple of weeks so he didn’t have to worry about being out of shape. Not that he would have been anyways. He’d been shooting in the mornings once or twice a week which was more than any of his teammates had been doing, and both he and Coach knew it. Coach was opening the gym for informal practices next week, and that should be plenty to get him ready before the season started for real.

***

TJ went back to his math class with the paper signed and ready to give back to Coleman. He was thinking that would be the end of this for a little while, but Coleman seemed determined to torture TJ in other ways. “In order to help you bring your grades up, I’ll be finding a student to help tutor you,” he said when TJ handed him the paper.

TJ’s general experience with tutors did not lead him to believe this experience was going to go well for either party. There’s nothing quite like seeing the light and false enthusiasm slowly drain from a tutor’s face as they realize that absolutely nothing they’ll do is going to get these concepts into TJ’s thick skull. Alex is the only useful tutor TJ’s ever had, and that's mostly because when they reached that point he would just agree to do the homework for TJ so that they could both be done. TJ doubted whatever teacher’s pet Coleman roped into this would be willing to do that. “I’ll pass,” TJ said instead of voicing these concerns.

Coleman sat up straighter in his chair and leaned further over his desk to give TJ a look of fatherly disappointment. “Up to you,” he said, and TJ was ready to celebrate before he continued, “but if you don’t show improvement in a couple of weeks then we’ll have to suspend you from the basketball team.”

And that. Well. That was a bit of a game changer. TJ figured bargaining was his best option at this point. “It’s just, tutors other than my brother haven’t really worked out very well for me in the past…”

TJ could see Coleman’s face lighten a bit at the mention of his brother. “Is your brother Alex Kippen? What a good student he was. I thought I recognized the name when I saw you on the class list. Ah, well, you must be the athletic one huh?”

TJ felt a pit in his stomach as he plastered on a smile. “Yeah,” he said, thinking about his brother’s big baseball scholarship and his basketball MVP awards, “The athletic one. That’s me.”

Coleman carried on. “Well, I’ll try to find you a tutor who’s similar to your brother. Maybe that’ll help you a little more. Let’s meet up here Thursday morning and I’ll introduce you. Your first session will be Friday.”

***

The first open gym was after school and TJ was just excited to get back into the routine of the basketball season. He could do with a sense of normalcy. At least that’s what he thought he’d be getting. It seemed the universe had it out for him recently. When TJ showed up to the first open gym of the season, he saw a _girl_ there. And, like, TJ wanted to think that he wouldn’t be a huge asshole with this kind of thing but. The thing is, all of his teammates were over talking to her and didn’t even notice him walk in. He’s the star player. He _earned_ it this year. Alex graduated, and there’s not supposed to be anyone in his way this time.

He knew who she was. He’d never seen her play but but he’d heard how good she was. Jefferson never had enough interest to make a girls team, so she played on club teams trying to get her name out there. She wanted to play in college. She probably would. 

She was there at the open gym because she wanted to play at Jefferson this year. She was going to try out for the boys team. She was probably gonna make it too. TJ really wished she wouldn’t.

***

He wasn’t proud of what he did. He knew it was a dick move. He just couldn’t take being second best again. It’s a lot harder for Driscoll to be better than him if she doesn’t touch the ball. He got home from that first open gym already feeling pretty terrible about himself. He forgot that his parents got home that day. They were on the couch reading when he walked in. His mom looked up over the top of her book. “Oh, hello darling. How was your day?”

“Fine.” That was mostly a lie. “We had our first open practice for basketball today. Tryouts next week.”

“That’s wonderful, honey.”

TJ could feel the question his mother was waiting for him to ask. He didn’t really want to. He did anyway. 

“How was Alex?”

His mother sat up then, dog-earing the page of her book and setting it on the side table. 

TJ managed to escape to his room after listening to his parents gush for about 30 minutes. He didn’t really hear most of it. He’s sure he’d get another chance whether he wanted it or not.

The next few days went mostly the same. He went to the gym to shoot in the morning. Coleman gave him a disapproving look when he declined his participation points. He went to open gym after school. He was a dick to Driscoll for no real reason. He didn’t really want to keep being a dick, but it was too late. He was committed. It didn’t really matter. It wasn’t going to keep her from making the team. Going back and being nice suddenly felt like admitting defeat. Defeat in what way he wasn’t exactly sure. But TJ was competitive at heart. Whatever he was playing, he wanted to win.

Thursday morning he got to feel what losing was really like.

Of course it was Driscoll. Of _fucking_ course it was Driscoll. 

TJ spent his classes before lunch weighing his options. Coleman reiterated that he only had until the first game of the season to show some improvement. That gave him like 3 weeks. 

He was going to have to beg. Talk about admitting defeat.

***

TJ had a run in with Driscoll in the cafeteria. He probably shouldn’t call it a run in, but it felt less pathetic than saying he had to beg for her help and make a compromise on his weird mental battle about being nice. Somehow all of this ended with TJ helping Driscoll’s friend get a muffin. If TJ was still trying to project tough guy, if he was still trying to prove something, he might have been more of a dick to Muffin Kid too. He didn’t really think he’d have been fooling anyone at that point.

Muffin Kid seemed nice.

***

For the fifth time that week, TJ found himself shooting Coach a quick text asking to open the gym. 

TJ was sitting on the edge of the bleachers tying one of his shoes when Coach placed the balls in front of him like usual. Unlike usual, he sat down next to TJ and gave him a worried look. TJ knew why. It had been all late nights and early mornings for him recently. He’d seen the bags under his own eyes when he gave himself a quick look in the mirror on his way out the door. “Is everything alright? You’ve seemed a bit off this week.”

“Everything’s fine. Just, you know, school,” he said, waving a hand noncommittally. “Homework caught up to me. I’ll be alright.”

Coach gave him a searching look, clearly unbelieving, before getting up and heading to his office like usual. He was too polite to push. 

TJ was too polite to give him the real answer. 

***

TJ couldn’t deal with this right now. It had already been a terrible week, like, unusually so. He was trying his best to grind it out and hope next week would be better, but _this_? This was maybe the worst thing that could have happened to him. It was bad enough he had to deal with Driscoll being overconfident, high and mighty, and just good at everything at practice everyday. He was already knew he was bad at math, thanks, he didn’t need any extra reason to feel utterly terrible about it. He could tell she was on her last nerve too, both because TJ had been snippy all day and because nothing seemed to be working. But maybe she deserved it. She’s so used to everything working out for her, she can finally feel what it’s like to be bad at something. 

“You know what helps me? The multiplication tables!” She said, feigning enthusiasm. “And you gotta try this board, it's super fun!”

 _God_ , he thought. _She thinks I’m dumb as rocks, and she’s not even wrong._

“Pass.”

She dropped the excitement in an instant. “Fine, use paper if you want.”

TJ pulled his notebook in front of him, but he already knew he couldn’t do it. He thought about guessing again, but that obviously wouldn’t trick Driscoll. That wouldn’t even trick an eight year old. In frustration, he slammed his pencil back down onto his notebook without writing a single thing. He sat back in his chair and looked anywhere but at her. This had to be one of the most humiliating experiences of his life. 

“You do know the multiplication tables, right?”

TJ had been nothing but exhausted all week, but he could finally feel some energy in his body. All of it was defensive and frustrated. “You think I’m stupid,” He said accusingly, as if he didn’t think the same. 

“I never said that.” _You didn’t have to._

“Well, I am.” TJ grabbed his bag and stormed out. 

As soon as he left the room he deflated, the burst of confrontational energy leaving his body again. He’d never been so drained in his life, but he didn’t want to go home. His parents were actually there but they hadn’t stopped talking about Alex since they got back. “Oh, his professors just love him, did you hear?” “Such a great play he made on that pop up in the first game!” “An athlete but he still has good grades!” “Starting as a freshman! Isn’t that special?”

It _was_ special. TJ didn’t have the energy to deal with it right now. Truthfully, he didn’t think he had the energy for any conversation at all. 

He wandered for a bit, trying to clear his head, just letting his feet take him wherever. He paused when he got to the park, not sure why he’d ended up here. He scanned the area for a bit, taking in his surroundings, and when he looked over at the swingset he noticed someone familiar. He started moving in that direction without a thought, and as TJ got closer he realized it was Driscoll’s nerdy friend from the cafeteria the other day. And was he… singing? About swinging? TJ knew he should be finding that incredibly embarrassing, but it was honestly kind of endearing. He could feel himself perking up a little bit as a smile tugged at his lips.

TJ put his bag down and walked up to him, leaning against the swingset. “Nice song. What do you sing when you’re on the slide?”

Muffin Kid did in fact have a song for the slide, much to TJ’s surprise. He sang it with a look of mild terror though, and TJ kind of wanted to punch himself for scaring the poor guy even though they’d never talked.

“Huh, did not expect you to have a song for that. Chocolate chocolate chip muffin, right?” That earned him a smile.

“Scary basketball guy.” TJ kind of really wanted to punch himself, but maybe that kind of thinking is why Muffin Kid thought he was scary. 

“Actually, TJ.”

“I know. Cyrus” 

Cyrus. Noted.

“So…” TJ said, not exactly sure what was compelling him to strike up a conversation with basically a complete stranger. Like two minutes ago he had wanted nothing more than to be alone. “Do you hang out here a lot?”

“Only when I’m feeling bad about myself, so, fairly often.” 

TJ was somewhat taken aback by the honesty, but also, he felt it. And, well, he blamed the god awful week he’d been having for the emotional vulnerability he was showing. “Does it help?” he asked, a little too earnest.

“Helps me. Go on, you look like you need it.”

Boy did he ever. TJ plopped himself on the swing and pumped his legs, feeling like he was back in elementary school. Also feeling significantly lighter than he had in awhile, like the mental fog he’d been stuck with was starting to clear. Maybe Cyrus was on to something here. He let out a little laugh. “Wow, this does kind of make me feel better.”

Cyrus, who was hardly swinging at all, looked over at him in slight confusion. “What do you need to feel better about? You’re the captain of the basketball team.”

TJ sighed a little. Everything about the last two minutes already was pretty out of character for him, but there was enough of himself left to keep him from spilling his deepest insecurities to someone he just met. “You don’t know me. I got stuff.”

“Betcha I got more stuff.”

“Yeah? Betcha I can swing higher,” TJ said, trying to steer the conversation away from the direction it was headed.

“I’m afraid to swing high. That’s part of my stuff.”

TJ got distracted for a second by just how much better he felt. He let out a little “Woo!” almost involuntarily. “I don’t know why I ever stopped swinging.” Maybe if Cyrus would swing a little higher his stuff would go away too. “C’mon, get up here.”

“This is as up as I go.”

TJ laughed a bit, letting himself enjoy the feeling for a few more seconds before jumping off the swing like he used to do when he was younger. TJ went over behind Cyrus to give him a little push, just like with the muffin the other day. Cyrus hadn’t thought he could do that, either, but he could with TJ’s help so maybe the swings will be the same. Cyrus screamed as TJ started to push him, but TJ knew he was fine. Pushing Cyrus was just about as fun as swinging himself. TJ relished in the childlike joy of the whole situation, yelling “Underdog!” and running under Cyrus’s feet. 

“That was exhilarating!” 

TJ smiled, feeling validated. “You want another one?”

“No thank you.”

TJ gave Cyrus a little pout, “Too bad.” He ran back behind Cyrus with a huge grin and kept pushing him. He snapped back to reality when he heard a familiar voice. 

“Cyrus, you okay?”

Driscoll. Of course. Just when he was finally feeling better. Whatever she was here for, TJ knew he wanted no part of it. 

“I gotta go,” he said, moving to grab his bag and make a quick exit. 

“TJ?” She asked in surprise, moving quicker now. Damnit. TJ really just wanted to keep hanging out with Cyrus but naturally Driscoll would come and ruin that too.

“No, TJ, you don't have to. Buffy, she’s really cool-”

“Yeah, no. But thanks for reminding me about swinging. That helped,” TJ said honestly. It really did help, and even though Driscoll was here ruining things he still felt way better than he had before. He didn’t realize how much he needed to talk to someone other than his parents and teammates. He’d feel even better if he left before she could talk to him, though. “I’m out.”

“Hold up a sec!” 

Or not.

“Did you get my text?”

TJ pulled his phone out for the first time since getting to the park, and he did in fact have a text from Driscoll asking to talk. “Yeah,” He said shortly. He did not want to talk, thanks for asking.

“Cyrus, can you give us the playground?”

“Yeah, um, you know where to find me,” Cyrus said, before looking up at TJ. “And, so do you.” TJ gave him a small smile. He was surprised at Cyrus’s little offer considering the bad blood between him and Driscoll. But then Cyrus left, and TJ had a very unpleasant conversation with Driscoll, and the mental fog from earlier wasted no time rolling right back in.

***

When TJ got home he drudged upstairs and threw his bag aimlessly before flopping face first onto his bed. Today was enough to give him emotional whiplash. Tutoring with Driscoll was horrible, maybe the worst thing he’s ever had to do. Just thinking about it was enough to make him want to scream.

And then there were the swings. TJ hadn’t figured out to process that one. He kind of just wanted to hang out with Cyrus again and not think about it any harder. But the only way he knew of to see Cyrus was to find him at the swings again, and TJ didn’t really want to wait around everyday and hope he shows up. Or, well, he kind of did but that might be a bit creepy. He had more pressing matters to deal with anyways. 

Namely, Driscoll thinking he had a learning disability. She thought it was a good thing, but of course she would think that. She had no idea what any of this was like. TJ didn’t really have a lot of good options here. Driscoll’s tutoring wouldn’t be able to help him, learning disability or not. That much had been made clear. But Coleman was already frustrated with TJ and determined to make this work so it wasn’t looking like he was going to get a different one. Not that a different one would help much anyways. And TJ was absolutely _not_ going to mention a learning disability to _anyone_. He had a little pride left, thank you. He didn’t need “specialists” to tell him he’s bad at math, and he’d rather not confirm the fact that he’s inescapably an idiot.

He couldn’t do nothing either though. He was dangerously close to getting kicked off the team, which is about the worst thing that could happen. Basketball was his thing. Basketball was his _only_ thing. TJ groaned internally. He knew what his only option was, but he wasn’t a huge fan and it depended on someone else’s cooperation. He wished for the thousandth time that he’d been a bit nicer to Buffy.

***

Fridays at the Kippen house were always family nights. Usually they’d play card games or watch a movie, but it was nothing formal. Sometimes they’d get out of the house, do something like bowling or ice skating. It was always TJ’s favourite part of the week.

It had been a weird day but he figured that getting his mind off things would help. He plunked himself down on the couch next to his mom after dinner. “What are we doing tonight?”

“Oh, well your father and I were going to call Alex.” She hesitated, then offered, “you’re welcome to talk to him too.” Obviously. He didn’t need his parents permission to do that.

“That’s alright,” TJ said. He was just going to go back to his room then. “I talked to him yesterday.” His parents did too. Alex’s school was about a 20 minute drive from Shadyside. You’d think it was on Mars.

***

Monday was the first day of tryouts and TJ was on edge all day. He didn’t really have a reason to be nervous. His spot on the team was already set. Usually the first day of tryouts left TJ excited, ready to buzz out of his skin. Basketball season was his favourite time of the year and he was always eager to get it started. 

Not this year. This year the idea sort of filled him with dread. He resented that. He knew exactly who he wanted to blame.

He also knew who’s fault it really was.

Cyrus bounding up to him at the end of the day was a pleasant surprise. 

“Not so scary basketball guy!” he called out, and TJ lit up. A nickname! He sort of thought that the whole interaction on the swings was more of a one time deal. 

“Underdog! What’s up?”

“My friend Jonah is having a party this weekend. I just wanted to extend the invite… you should come!”

TJ knew of Jonah. He vaguely remembered being on a little league team together when they were kids. He wasn’t sure that was grounds enough for showing up to his party. Especially if Driscoll would be there. “Thanks for the invite, but are you really sure your friends want me there?”

Cyrus smiled. “Buffy won’t be there, if that’s what you’re worried about. She’s got a family thing. Anyways, Jonah asked us to invite our friends.”

TJ considered for a second. Cyrus already thought of him as a friend? That was reason enough to go, honestly. He looked up and smiled. “Alright, I’m there.”

Cyrus looked so genuinely delighted by this and TJ was slightly confused by the whole thing. He didn’t really get invited to stuff. Or, well, he did, but it was usually his basketball teammates telling the whole team to come, or putting an event in the group chat. TJ had never really felt like they wanted him specifically there, so he usually wouldn’t go. 

A party might be nice.

He held his phone out to Cyrus. “Here, give me your number. I can drive if you want?” Friends, right? 

When Cyrus handed his phone back, there was a new text conversation with ‘Underdog.’ Cyrus had sent himself a cupcake emoji. When TJ asked why Cyrus shrugged and told him there was no muffin emoji. “A real tragedy” he said, “Just imagine it without the frosting.”

TJ couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he made his way to the gym.

***

Coach started tryouts like he usually did, by giving a motivational speech of sorts. “Someone’s brother here left some pretty big shoes to fill, but we shouldn’t get discouraged. If we make sure to…” TJ zoned out as Coach droned on about the importance of hard work, determination, commitment. He’d heard it all before. TJ loved basketball, he really did. He thinks he would’ve loved baseball too, if he’d given it a fair chance. Sometimes he was really glad he didn’t.

Driscoll was out here to prove something, that much was clear.

TJ was fucked.

***

When TJ went to pick Cyrus up on Saturday, he was worried that the whole thing was going to be a bit weird. Sure, Cyrus had called them friends, which was awesome, but they still hardly knew each other.

The beginning of the ride they sat in silence, but it wasn’t necessarily awkward. It also wasn’t necessarily super comfortable. Cyrus was the one who broke it. “Can I let you in on a secret?”

“Um, sure?” TJ said, not really knowing where this was going.

“I hate going to Jonah’s parties. I don’t drink, and there’s always too many people, and I usually just end up sitting outside by myself. Or with his dog, if I’m lucky. But he always makes a sad face at me if I don’t go so I always come anyways.”

TJ smiled a little at that. If Cyrus was more into the whole party thing, TJ probably would have ended up being the one sitting outside alone. “Well I’ll be happy to keep you company. Especially if I get to meet his dog.”

Cyrus grinned. “That can be arranged.”

When they got to Jonah’s, Cyrus felt obligated to make the rounds and say hi to a few people. Luckily, he didn’t feel obligated to introduce TJ to all these people. Instead he led TJ outside and pointed out what he had determined as the comfiest chairs. “You can hang out here, if you want. I’ll be right back.”

TJ plunked himself on one of the chairs and decided that Cyrus’s assessment about the comfiness was accurate. He turned himself sideways letting his legs dangle over the armrest. He messed around on his phone for a bit, aimlessly scrolling through instagram while he waited for Cyrus to come back. He was watching an NBA highlight from his explore feed when he heard footsteps. 

“I’m back and I brought a friend!” Cyrus announced. TJ panicked for a split second, thinking he was being ambushed, but when he looked up he saw Cyrus with an armful of dog as promised. 

Cyrus was incredibly easy to talk to. This wasn’t totally surprising given how instantly comfortable TJ was with him the very first time they met, but it was still really nice.

“My parents are both shrinks.”

“Thats… gotta be a thing.”

“It is. You know whats worse? They got divorced and then both of them got remarried to two other shrinks.”

“You’re lying. There’s no way that’s true.”

“Cross my heart. Four shrink parents, all as overbearing as you would expect.”

TJ was more relaxed than he’d been in weeks, listening to Cyrus talk. He was absently petting Jonah’s dog, who was very happy to be on TJ’s lap and had barely moved since Cyrus put him there. TJ didn’t even mind Cyrus asking about his family.

“Didn’t your brother play basketball too? I remember seeing you guys in the school paper all the time.”

TJ wanted to laugh. Of course Cyrus read the school paper. “Yeah, he graduated last year so it’s super weird not having him around all the time. I miss him more than I thought I would.”

“Is he far away?”

“Not really, it's like a twenty minute drive. He’s on a baseball scholarship, actually, not basketball.”

“Your parents must be pretty happy about that.”

TJ scoffed. “Yeah, no kidding. They’re struggling even with this amount of distance. I knew they were going to go to his home games, like, religiously, but so far they’re actually flying out for away games too.”

“That seems like overkill.”

“It is. When they did it last weekend I thought it was a one time thing, first college games and all that. Wouldn’t want to miss them,” TJ shrugged, “But they just bought plane tickets to follow him to LA two weeks from now too, so. I guess it makes sense. They put a lot of time and effort into helping him get recruited.”

“Hey, LA could be fun though! I’ve always wanted to go. You know apparently you just run into celebrities randomly on the street? Oh, and there’s all these cool tours you can do of _actual_ sets from movies and TV shows! I have a whole list of things to do if I ever go. I can send it to you!” Cyrus practically had stars in his eyes just thinking about going. TJ laughed, caught off guard by the sudden passion. 

“That does sound pretty cool, but I’m staying home. Wouldn’t want to miss school or basketball, you know.”

Cyrus deflated a little and TJ almost felt bad, except he didn’t really say anything he should feel bad for. He just hated to ruin the enthusiasm. “That sucks.”

“Eh, could be worse. I have the house all to myself.”

“Ooh, you gonna throw some crazy party?” Cyrus said with an exaggerated eyebrow wiggle.

“Nope. I’m gonna stay in bed all day and only get up to get food.”

Cyrus sighed happily. “You’re speaking my language here, basketball guy. I thought you sporty people would frown upon that type of behaviour.”

“That’s the beauty of being home alone. No one else will know.”

“Except me!”

“Except you. I’m trusting you with top secret information.”

Cyrus mimed zipping his lips, then laughed. “What an honor.”

***

Buffy and TJ weren’t exactly great at being each other’s teammates. It was entirely his fault, of course. Evidently, TJ’s rash decision to handle his problems by being an asshole didn’t exactly play out well for future him. He didn’t really plan for Driscoll to make the team, which is stupid, because he knew it was going to happen before tryouts even started. But it put him in a situation. The thing was, if TJ kept refusing to pass her the ball, there was a chance that Coach would play her less often because she’s throwing off team dynamics. There was a much larger chance TJ would be the one getting benched for being a horrible teammate. That would kind of suck, and so would the “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” look he would get from Coach, who actually kind of liked TJ but would not continue to do so if TJ started causing him problems like that. There was also a distinct possibility that Cyrus would never speak to him again, or at the least be very mad at him for a while, so.

There was only really one option.

TJ was trying to pass her the ball like any other teammate, he really was. He kind of thought he was doing a good job until Driscoll made a sarcastic comment on their way out of the gym. “Hey, you passed it to me _three whole times_ today! You’re slipping up!”

TJ sighed. He wanted to snap back about how he didn’t always have to pass her the ball, that sometimes he was allowed to take the open shot too. But he had to be more tactical about this.

“Can we talk?”

Buffy looked skeptical, which was fair. “Sure,” she said, clearly hesitant. She crossed her arms and looked at TJ expectantly.

“I really am trying,” TJ started, and then took a moment to choose his next words. 

“Is that all?” Driscoll did not sound impressed, but it’s not like TJ was done. If she would just be a little more patient–no. Apology. Not being a jerk. TJ took a deep breath.

“You met me during a bad week. I was frustrated and snappy, Coleman was on my back all week about the thing and I took my frustration out on you.”

Buffy sighed, shifting her weight to her other foot. Her arms were still crossed. “That doesn’t make it okay.”

“I know, I know, I just. He threatened to kick me off the team and I freaked a little. That threat is still on the table actually.”

Buffy looked a little sympathetic at that, which, no. That’s not what TJ wanted. Or, well, it sort of was because then she might help him, but he hated it on principle. “You know, if you just talked to Coleman–”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“If you really want to stay on the team that’s your best option.”

“Look, I can already hear my dad calling it an excuse, probably, and if I do have… you know… then I might get moved into a special ed class and then everyone is going to know I’m stupid and…”

“TJ…”

“I can't lose basketball. I can’t. Especially not because of math.”

“If you don’t want to get actual help I don’t really know what you want me to do for you here.”

Bingo. 

“Actually…”

***

TJ felt like a bit of a genius, which was a first. With his homework actually getting done, his grade was just high enough to stay on the team. 

He and Buffy had struck a careful balance of begrudging tolerance. It wasn’t smooth, or friendly, or anything close to the kind of team chemistry Coach probably wanted, but it was way better than before. TJ was cautiously optimistic that this season would work out alright.

***

Ok, so no one ever accused TJ of being good at math. That plan was apparently only enough to hold the fort for like, a week. 

Coleman asked TJ to stay after class, and TJ foolishly had hope that it wouldn’t be bad news. When he sat by Coleman’s desk, Coleman wordlessly placed their most recent test in front of him. The fat red F was hard to miss. TJ groaned. “You’re not kicking me off the team, are you?”

“Until you show _real_ improvement, unfortunately I have to suspend you.”

Great. Great! Just what TJ needed. Suspended from the team with no conceivable way to fix it! He went through all of it, the humiliating tutoring session, apologizing to Driscoll to. her. face. All for nothing! Did Coleman not realize how _unfair_ this was? TJ was boiling. “But I did all my homework this week! Can’t I get a little more time?”

That was the wrong thing to say.

Coleman sat up straighter, looking somewhere between disappointed and angry. “You certainly turned it all in. Interesting though, it’s all the same types of problems that were on the test, but you did them all perfectly correct on your homework. Care to tell me what happened there?”

Shit.

TJ thought about trying to deny, but he already knew it wouldn’t work. He was screwed no matter what he said. He looked down at the desk and stayed quiet. Coleman sighed. “I’m really not out to get you, TJ, I want to help. But I need to see some signs of legitimate effort on your part. I’m not going to punish you for cheating this time. You’re already suspended from the team, I think that’s enough for now. But cheating isn’t something the school takes lightly, remember that in the future.”

“Yes, sir.” TJ said, feeling significantly berated. He cheated all the time, but he’d never been caught before.

“Does the tutoring seem like it’s helping at all?”

And that. That was also the wrong thing to say because it planted an idea in TJ’s head. And TJ was in a foul, spiteful mood which didn’t ever bode well for anyone. If TJ was going down, he wasn’t going down alone.

He wouldn’t want anyone to take over his team while he was gone.

***

Driscoll got suspended two games for cheating. It wasn’t enough to fulfill TJ’s need for some sort of vengeance, but it was also too much. TJ knew exactly when she found out. He got a text from Cyrus. “:(“ is all it said.

TJ was a terrible person.

He didn’t know how to explain it to Cyrus. Cyrus, who’s always just himself, authentic and genuine, no matter the situation. He didn’t know how to explain that sometimes when people expect something of you, it’s hard to be anything else.

“:/” is what he sent back.

***

Coach was not happy with either of them, to say the least. They were both still allowed to practice, it was just the games they were suspended from, and when TJ walked into practice that first day Coach leveled him with a pretty epic death glare before settling to a look of disappointment. 

Coach’s glare had nothing on the look he got from Buffy.

She made a point of ignoring him after that. During water breaks, during drills, during scrimmages, nothing. TJ sort of deserved it. Okay, he really deserved it but the rest of the team was clearly starting to get annoyed with the hostility between the two of them. It all came to a head when Coach paired them up for a defensive drill. Neither of them wanted to speak first and lose the war of will, which led to them both covering the same man. Twice. “Work it _out_ , you two! This drill is about _communication_! Try it one more time!”

TJ decided to take the L in the hopes that he would make Coach less mad at him. “I got ball!” he called out as soon as the whistle blew. 

“Oh, of course you do!” Buffy snapped, dropping the drill completely.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What if I wanted to get ball?”

“Well then maybe you should have said something!”

“That’s so not the point!”

“Then what is the point!?”

Both TJ and Buffy were yelling when Coach Rez blew his whistle again. “ENOUGH! Both of you–out! Don’t come back in until you’ve worked it out!”

TJ was frozen with shock. He’d never seen Coach get that angry at anyone other than the refs. He shook it off and followed Driscoll out of the gym. When they made it outside TJ folded his arms and looked over at her. “What was _that_ about?” 

She rolled her eyes. “As if you don’t know.”

“I really don’t. I know you’re mad that you got suspended,” TJ could hear her scoff in the background, “but I don’t know why me covering ball was a big issue there.”

“Because you’re selfish! You’re a selfish teammate and you always have to make _yourself_ look like the star!” 

TJ frowned and looked away. The last thing he wanted to be was a ball hog. He just wanted to win. Did the rest of the boys think that way too? “I’m not trying to do that.”

“Are you trying _not_ to though?”

TJ sighed. “I didn’t realize it was a problem. I’ll make more of an effort now that I know.”

Buffy raised an eyebrow, looking unconvinced. “Will you really, or are you just trying to get me off your back?”

“Look, I don't–basketball’s really important to me. I want to be a good teammate. I know I haven’t given you much of a reason to believe that. I know this is my fault, and I know that I’ve been a bad teammate, and I really don’t want it to keep interfering with the game the way it has been.” TJ took a deep breath in, looking up at the sky briefly. “We don’t have to be friends, you don’t ever have to talk to me off the court, but can we at least be civil? For the team.”

“For the team.” Buffy agreed. She stuck out her hand, offering TJ a little smile for the first time. “Truce?”

“Truce.” TJ said, taking her hand and shaking it.

TJ was happy to have cleared things up with Buffy. Practices went a lot smoother without the two of them constantly at each other’s throats. Not to say that they were perfect all the time, Buffy still drove him a little bit crazy, but they were learning to work together and the constant improvement in their play was evidence of that.

The first two games of the season were away and TJ chose not to travel with the team. He heard the games weren't pretty without him or Driscoll playing.

TJ was back to square one on the whole suspension thing. He really didn’t know how he was supposed to get out of this now. He hated it more than anything. In the back of his mind he was starting to write off the season entirely.

He texted Cyrus constantly. He was possibly the only bright spot in TJ’s life at the moment. He was worried that his parents were going to get suspicious or something, because TJ’s never really been that much of a texter, but they didn’t actually seem to be paying much attention.

It was weird to think that he’d only known Cyrus for a few weeks because Cyrus probably knew more about him than anyone else at this point. TJ had never really had a friend quite like Cyrus, but that was his favourite thing about him. TJ was so used to putting up a front when he was with other people and it was exhausting. But talking to Cyrus after a long day was the easiest thing in the world.

***

Their first home game was the third game of the season. It was Buffy’s first game with the team. TJ was still suspended, but he came anyway. He wanted to know how the team was doing. He was still holding out hope that Coleman would take pity on him and let him play again at some point this season. It was Friday. The house was empty again. 

Coach told him he could sit on the bench with the team if he wanted to. TJ hated himself, but not that much. He was standing in the corner alone instead. Driscoll already had a whole cheering section set up for her. It was being led by Cyrus, who hadn’t noticed TJ yet. That was probably for the best. Cyrus would want to talk, and TJ would get angry even though he didn’t really want to get angry at Cyrus of all people. Without basketball, all TJ really had left was anger. 

It wasn’t really even anger. Anger at himself, maybe. Mostly just frustration and helplessness that he didn’t really know how to channel.

He did snap at Cyrus, when Cyrus finally approached him, but Cyrus saw right through him. He had a way of doing that.

***

TJ took Cyrus’s advice and talked to someone about the whole learning disability thing, as much as he didn’t want to. He didn’t go to Coleman though, he didn’t really want to deal with that.

He didn’t go to his parents either. That would be, like, ten times worse.

TJ’s guidance counselor was a saint, probably. She agreed with him that dropping this math class was the way to go at this point. They were too far into the semester, his grade wasn’t salvageable. Colleges would want to see a math class his senior year though, but there was a class with easier material that moved slower. He’d get more one on one help with the teacher. It had helped people in a similar position, she told him. She also talked to Coleman and the athletic director for him, and they agreed to lift his suspension. TJ could have cried from happiness. 

Instead he texted Cyrus. “Thanks” he said, with absolutely no context. He figured Cyrus would know what he was talking about.

TJ all but skipped to practice that afternoon with the paper from his guidance counselor. 

Coach clapped TJ on the shoulder. “Good to have you back, Kippen,” he said. And it was. It really was. 

TJ woke up on his first game day feeling lighter than he had in weeks. It felt like order had been restored to the universe again. He couldn’t shake the smile off his face as he packed his uniform into his bag.

“good morning :)” he sent to Cyrus, wanting to share his good mood with everyone.

“finally game day?” TJ could hear the knowing voice Cyrus would have said that in. The smiley face was probably what gave him away. It was a little out of character.

“finally game day!!!”

“:)”

TJ was still smiling as he pocketed his phone, walking into the kitchen. His mom was puttering around looking stressed. “Good morning, darling”

“Morning mom.”

“Remember, we’re leaving today when you’re at school. We’ll be back Sunday evening. There should be leftovers in the fridge enough for a few days.”

TJ did not remember. He was pretty sure no one told him about that. It was fine. It was also fine that his parents couldn’t make it to the game tonight. TJ didn’t let it dampen his mood, he was too happy. There was a whole season’s worth of games that they could come to. A whole season’s worth of games, and TJ was going to be playing in _all of them_.

“See you monday then,” He said on his way out the door. He wasn’t even going to be late to school today probably.

“Have a nice day! Love you honey.”

“Love you too.”

***

It wasn’t the best game TJ had ever played. He was a little rusty, he and Buffy still had some stuff to work out when they were on the court together, but those things would come with time. TJ wasn’t upset about it. 

He hovered back while his teammates were saying hi to friends and family. Cyrus was there, but he was talking to Driscoll and giving her a poster. TJ smiled a little at the bright colors and the glitter. It was very on brand, full of obvious and unabashed enthusiasm. Cyrus had made one for him too, and TJ couldn’t wait to have it in his room.

Coach came up to TJ while he was waiting. “Nice game tonight,” he said, offering a fist bump. 

“Thanks, Coach.” TJ said. “Sorry about the beginning of the season and all that…” he added a bit sheepishly. He wanted to put all of it behind him for good.

Coach waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. It’s in the past. Focus on moving forward.”

Thank god. TJ would have been a bit sad if Coach hated him.

“Are your folks here?” he asked. 

TJ shook his head. “I’m waiting for a friend.”

Coach just sighed. “You’re a good kid, TJ,” he said. TJ ducked his head. Cyrus said he needed to be better at taking compliments.

He watched as Driscoll said goodbye to Cyrus, and then got wrapped in a big hug from her dad who had been waiting for the two of them to finish talking. TJ looked away.

“Thanks for coming,” he said as soon as Cyrus made his way over. 

“Of course! I’m terrible at sports but I make a pretty good fan if I do say so myself!”

TJ grinned. Cyrus was the best fan. “Is that a poster with my name on it I see?”

Cyrus held up his poster with pride. “We’re Kippen Score!”

TJ laughed as he read it. “I love it. Can I keep it?”

“Of course, I made it for you.” Cyrus said, handing it over. TJ rolled it up carefully and tucked it under his arm. He slung his other arm around Cyrus as they slowly started to make their way out of the gym.

“So, you know those documentaries you were telling me about?”

“Which one? The one about the dinosaurs or the deep sea or–”

TJ cut him off. “All of them. Any of them. I was going to suggest a marathon this weekend so you can show them to me?”

Cyrus looked skeptical. “Are you sure you actually want to sit through all of that?”

TJ shrugged. “You like them. I trust your judgement.” Truthfully, TJ didn’t know if he was going to like them, but he knew he was going to like that starry eyed look Cyrus got whenever he talked about stuff he was passionate about. The effect wasn’t the same hearing about it over text. Besides, Cyrus sat through a whole basketball game and he was going to come to more. TJ wanted to return the favour.

“If you insist. When were you thinking?”

“You can come over anytime, I have no plans this weekend so I’m free literally whenever. Just like, text me and give me a heads up or something.”

“Won’t your parents mind?”

TJ laughed to himself a little bitterly. “Nah. They’re out of town. It’s Casa TJ this weekend.”

Cyrus frowned slightly. “Wasn’t it Casa TJ last weekend too?”

TJ was surprised Cyrus even remembered him mentioning the LA thing. “Yeah, it’s whatever. They can’t control Alex’s baseball schedule and they don’t want to miss his games, so...” TJ trailed off. He didn’t really want Cyrus to figure him out as easily as it seemed like he was about to.

“So you’re just all alone? Two weekends in a row?”

TJ tried to shrug as casually as possible, keeping his voice even. “It’s not a big deal. I don’t mind being alone sometimes, you know. Less nagging. I can play my music as loud as I want.”

“TJ…”

“Seriously Cyrus, it’s not that bad. I’m an introvert you know, I don’t always need company.” TJ knew he wasn’t terribly convincing that time, looking down at his feet and toeing at a black mark on the floor.

Cyrus considered for a minute, then said “Actually, I have a better idea. How bout you come over to mine instead. We can have the marathon and then you can stay for dinner.”

TJ sighed. He knew exactly what Cyrus was trying to do. It wasn’t subtle. “Cyrus, you really don’t have to. I’m fine on my own and I would hate to intrude on your family time.”

“You wouldn’t be intruding”

“Cy–”

Cyrus gently placed his hand on TJ’s arm, trying to get him to stop arguing. “It’s not for you, it's for us.” He gave TJ a little smile, lifting a shoulder. “We’re extroverts, we want the company.”

Cyrus had made up his mind and TJ sighed in resignation, knowing he was going to cave. He hated feeling so transparently handled like this, but it was nice to know that Cyrus cared that much. His hand was still on TJ’s arm, firm and steady, almost trying to project certainty on to TJ. He looked back up and made eye contact with Cyrus. “Ok, fine, sure.” Cyrus gave him a real smile then, and TJ decided that maybe he had made the right choice even if just for Cyrus’s peace of mind. 

***

TJ was absolutely delighted to be one hundred percent correct about the documentaries. They movies themselves weren’t too bad, although probably not TJ’s first choice, but watching with Cyrus was like getting the director's cut. He always had a little fun fact or an anecdote and his excitement was contagious. TJ would happily watch paint dry with Cyrus if he was this enthusiastic about it.

TJ had to admit that Cyrus had been correct, too. Having a home cooked meal and sharing it with company was almost foreign at that point. Cyrus’s step dad at the very least knowledgeable about basketball, and he did a good job pretending to care about the Jefferson team when he asked TJ about the season. His mom was lovely, asking them about school before they were all telling stories about their weeks. It was the best Saturday TJ had in awhile. 

Before TJ left, both Cyrus and his mom (“please, call me Leslie”) made it clear that there was a standing invite to hang out at their place if he wanted to. He didn’t want to seem so needy, but he liked hanging out with Cyrus even when he wasn’t trying to avoid the solitude of his own house.

The next friday Friday, the Kippens had their first family night of sorts in a while. Alex came home for dinner. He brought his girlfriend with him. They started dating in high school and TJ didn’t think they’d last in college but she’s in his living room now, so.

She brought cookies.

“Oh, darling, you shouldn’t have,” said his mom as if she wasn’t secretly pleased that his brother had found such a _polite_ girl (“TJ, honey, take notes”).

“Oh, it’s no big deal. He helped make them,” she said, looking back at Alex over her shoulder. When she turned back she had a soft smile on her face. “It’s a fun thing to do together.”

TJ supposed it would be. He thought about Cyrus. Not just that he would be fun to bake cookies with, although that was certainly a theory worth testing. If TJ was his parents’ daughter, Cyrus would be the type of boy they would love for him to bring home. Polite, intelligent, neat hair and button down shirts. They’d probably love him anyways, as one of TJ’s friends. They’re used to basketball players. A good influence, they’d tell him, looking down at TJ over their noses. 

As it was, it wouldn’t matter for a number of reasons. The first boy TJ brought home was going to be someone his parents didn’t approve of, someone they wouldn’t approve of even if he were a girl. It wasn’t a big deal. It was easier to swallow since TJ figured it out years before it had a chance to be a problem.

It was also probably not such a good idea to think of Cyrus like that. That seemed like a bit of a dangerous habit to get into.

There was a lot of baseball talk over dinner. TJ felt sort of bad for Alex’s girlfriend, but she seemed to take it in stride. She did kind of sign up for it, TJ figured. He grimaced as they all joked about how Alex was basically the only one on his team in a ‘real’ program, getting a ‘real’ degree. “All brawn, no brains,” his dad laughed. 

TJ still hadn’t told his parents that he dropped his math class. He probably never would, if he could avoid it. It didn’t seem like the type of thing that would go over particularly well. His parents probably wouldn’t check his report card that closely outside of making sure there were no D’s or F’s. And there wouldn’t be now, so TJ was doing them a favour, really. 

He awkwardly laughed along, not wanting to give himself away. 

Cyrus called him after dinner right after Alex left.

“Are your parents home this weekend? My mom’s gonna make her famous lasagna tomorrow!”

“My parents are home, actually–” 

“Oh! That’s nice!”

“–but I’m still willing to come eat your mom’s lasagna.”

“No, that’s alright, you don’t have to if your family’s actually around.”

“No, please, we had family dinner tonight. I’ve heard enough baseball talk for the next year.”

After Cyrus hung up, TJ realized that he actually had to ask his parents if he could go to Cyrus’s. He was sort of getting used to just doing things without asking. He wandered back into the family room to find his parents. 

“Hey, do we have plans for dinner tomorrow?”

“Not off the top of my head. Why?”

“My friend Cyrus invited me over.”

“That should be fine, darling.”

“Thanks mom, good night.”

“Night honey, love you.”

Leslie’s lasagna was really good. TJ got to hang out with Cyrus, too, which was always a plus.

***

TJ and Buffy were kind of on good terms. They actually worked pretty well together, which made sense because they were both good players. He felt bad for being such a dick to her before, he knew she didn’t deserve it. Still, watching her be a superstar on the court, on _his_ team, seeing her get praised for her academics. It left a bitter taste in his mouth. TJ knew it was stupid, petty jealousy, but it was there.

When she told him she wanted to start a girls team next year, TJ had never been happier to help.

***

Sometimes while TJ was at practice after school Cyrus would go over to Andi’s. (TJ asked once what the two of them did. Cyrus told him “oh you know, some crafting, some chatting, some talking her parents out of questionable home reno decisions.” TJ had a few questions). 

TJ didn’t notice how much time he’d been spending at Cyrus’s until, like, the hundredth time he beat Cyrus to his own house. He apologized like he always did when it wasn’t Cyrus who got the door. Leslie just smiled and told him where they hide the spare key. “Just in case,” she said. Then, “I got some of those bars you like, they’re in the pantry next to the cereal. Help yourself.” TJ did. It was pretty easy to get comfortable there. 

***

TJ was walking to his locker when he spotted Cyrus staring somewhat wistfully at the posters tacked up to advertise Junior Prom. He walked up and bumped his shoulder into Cyrus’s. “Imagining your great high school romance?”

Cyrus jumped, then turned to TJ and scoffed. “More like imagining a night spent at the dessert table while Andi and Buffy are off with their dates.” 

TJ frowned at that but before he got the chance to reply Cyrus was asking, “you planning on going?”

No. “Yes.”

Well. TJ had a suit to find, apparently. 

“You have a date?”

“Nope.” He wasn’t even going until about 30 seconds ago. 

Cyrus looked hopeful at that. “We could go stag together?”

“Sure, I’ll save you from a night of solitude at the dessert table.”

Cyrus fake swooned. “My prince charming.”

TJ smiled at Cyrus, and Cyrus smiled back. They stayed like that for a second before TJ got an idea. “Want to match colors?” It felt stupid as soon as it left his mouth. That wasn’t a friends going stag together thing, that was a date thing.

When he looked back to Cyrus, he was positively _beaming_. Maybe it wasn’t a stupid thing to offer after all.

***

TJ actually felt a little guilty about the fact that he hadn’t made it out to one of Alex’s games yet. It wasn’t really fair to Alex that he was taking his parent related frustrations out on him. There were home games that weekend, and when TJ’s parents asked if he wanted to join he said yes for the first time. 

His parents never sat together when they went to Alex or TJ’s games. TJ’s mom called his dad “a ball of negative energy” when they were at sporting events and TJ mostly agreed with this assessment, so he followed her when they arrived at the stadium.

Sitting with his mom wasn’t just a good idea to avoid the negativity, she was also more tolerant of non baseball related chatter. It was probably the longest conversation they’d had in months. The two of them usually loved to talk about books, TV shows, movies, anything of the sort, and they’d created quite the backlog. After TJ finished explaining the most recent documentary he and Cyrus watched, his mom gave him a look of surprise. “Documentaries aren’t usually your style.”

“Yeah, well Cyrus loves them so I watch them with him sometimes. They’re actually pretty interesting.”

She furrowed her brow. “Do I know Cyrus?”

TJ knew that Cyrus had never met his parents, but surely he’d come up right? TJ hung out with him all the time, he had a hard time believing that he’d never mentioned Cyrus by name. TJ sort of forgot that Cyrus wasn’t a long time childhood friend. “I guess not.”

TJ had a surprisingly good time at the game. He did wish that it wasn’t so long, but that’s always been a problem with baseball in TJ’s eyes. But he missed his mom. The two of them actually had a pretty good relationship sometimes. He loved hearing her terrible nicknames for all of Alex’s teammates, he loved her detailed breakdowns of all of their walk up songs (“look, I know it’s a good song. I love that song. But does it really get you hype?” “Please never say hype again.” “Would you prefer lit?”), and secretly he really loved her recaps of the latest season of the bachelor (“You won’t believe it. This one girl showed up dressed like a sloth.” “A sloth?” “A sloth!”). It felt like old times. TJ didn’t realize how much he missed it.

TJ barely had time to say hi to Alex before there was a hand on his head messing his hair up. “Who’s this stranger?”

All in all, it was a pretty nice day. 

***

TJ played the message from his parents again. “TJ, honey, just reminding you we’re at Alex’s game. The team and some of the parents are going out for dinner after, but we should be home around 11. There’s frozen mac and cheese in the freezer like usual but we left some money on the counter for pizza… happy birthday darling, sorry we couldn’t be home, we love you,” his mother’s voice had said, in another place, at another time.

TJ was sitting at the kitchen table trying to decide what kind of pizza he wanted. He had total freedom. No picky older brothers, no need to compromise, he could eat the whole thing himself and no one would be there to judge him. 

He stared into space for a while with his phone clenched in his hand. He finally made a call, but it wasn’t to a pizza place.

The front door was unlocked when TJ showed up at the Goodman house.

Dinner with the Goodmans was, for the most part, a standard affair. Leslie asked TJ and Cyrus about school. Todd asked TJ about basketball. TJ basked in the familiarity of it. When they had finished eating TJ got up to help clear the plates like usual, but Leslie stopped him. “Sit down, birthday boy. We have it handled today.”

TJ sat back down, feeling a little guilty about not helping. He’d been coming to their house, eating their food. It felt like the least he could do.

What he wasn’t expecting was for all of them to be singing Happy Birthday when they emerged from the kitchen. Leslie was carrying a plate of mini muffins. The one in the middle even had a lit candle, which she was guarding with her hand while she carried them. She placed the plate in front of TJ as they finished the song. “Make a wish” one of them had said, but TJ was honestly too overwhelmed to make one properly before he blew out the candle on his birthday mini muffin. The Goodmans all cheered.

“You’re finally one!” Todd said with excitement, and Leslie hit him with a backhand to the chest.

“Hey! We’re doing our best, it's a short notice birthday celebration!” Then, to TJ, “Sorry, even if I had managed to find seventeen candles I wouldn't have had seventeen places to put them. I didn’t have time to get a cake or anything.”

TJ was a little afraid he was going to start crying. He tried his best to hold it together, and got up wordlessly to give Leslie a hug. She gave him a little squeeze and rubbed his back lightly. “Happy birthday, kiddo.”

He gave quick hugs to Cyrus and Todd as well before sitting back down. “Thank you guys, seriously.”

After dessert was finished, Cyrus and TJ made their way back to Cyrus’s room. Cyrus closed the door as soon as they got there. His eyes were softer than usual. “You alright?” He asked gently. TJ was not alright, not even remotely, but he’d been doing a pretty good job keeping it under control so far. He wanted to tell Cyrus that he was, that Cyrus didn't need to worry about him, but he wasn’t sure he could get the words out. He took another look at Cyrus’s sympathetic face, and that was it. Cyrus was the one person in the world TJ knew he could have a meltdown in front of with no judgement. Cyrus would just be there.

TJ pulled Cyrus into a tight hug, burying his face into Cyrus’s shoulder and letting out a sob. Cyrus didn’t say anything, just rubbed his back and let him get it all out of his system. It felt like he pulled the plug on weeks, months, maybe even years worth of frustration and once it started coming out in hiccuping sobs it was hard to stop. TJ finally pulled back when he felt like he was done being emotional and embarrassing. He wiped a hand under his nose, giving a wet, gross laugh. “Sorry.” He said.

Cyrus had turned around to dig in his desk for a minute before coming back and handing TJ a tissue box. “Don’t apologize.” TJ still felt a little squirmy about the whole thing. He hated how transparent he was. “Do you want to talk about it?”

TJ shook his head meekly. 

Cyrus sighed and said “That's alright,” before making his way over to his bed. He sat down and then patted the spot next to him. “Here, sit. Just breathe for a bit.”

TJ eyed the open spot, and then flopped dramatically onto it, stretching all the way out on his back. Cyrus didn’t say anything, he just leaned back to mimic TJ’s position. They were both quiet for a while. Cyrus started gently playing with TJ’s hair, and TJ didn’t stop him. It was soothing.

It had been probably twenty or thirty minutes. They were lying side by side in silence, staring at the ceiling. “I’m really mad at your parents right now, just so you know.”

TJ didn’t really know what to say. He was frustrated for sure, but he just. He didn’t really know what to feel. His parents loved him and cared for him and probably weren’t even doing any of this on purpose. It was even half TJ’s fault, maybe, cause he’d never really told them how much it sucked sometimes. Compared to a lot of people, TJ was really really lucky and he kind of felt like garbage taking that for granted. 

He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, trying to figure out what part of that he wanted to say. He stayed silent.

Cyrus sighed. “You don’t have to be mad at them. I know the situation is more complicated than that for you. They’re _your_ parents, not mine. Just… you don’t deserve this, okay? If you’re not gonna be mad then I am, cause someone should be even if it's not you.”

TJ felt his eyes well up, but he closed them, willing the tears back to where they came from. He’d already been plenty emotional tonight. He scooted closer to Cyrus so their sides were pressed together. “Thank you. For everything.” He didn’t really have it in him to worry about how fragile his voice sounded. Cyrus just linked their pinkies together.

TJ’s heart was racing but he didn’t say anything, and neither did Cyrus. They just stayed like that until TJ had to go home.

TJ sent Cyrus a couple texts once he was back in his own room, staring at his own ceiling.

“thanks again for having me”  
“and everything else”

“dont mention it”  
“happy birthday again”  
“<3 <3”

“<3”

It seemed stupid, but TJ couldn’t decide if it had been a terrible birthday or a great one.

***

The team was doing well. Not quite like last year, obviously, but they won most of their games. TJ was happier about it than he thought he would be. He’d gotten better about sharing the leadership role with Buffy. He felt like he was playing some of the best basketball he ever had.

It took him a while, but TJ’s dad finally made it out to one of his games. The team lost in overtime, but TJ was happy with his play, happy with the team's effort. The other team was really good. “You played well tonight, Kippen,” Coach said after the game. “You’ve always been an offensive asset for us, but you were solid defensively tonight too.” He reached his hand out for a fist bump.

“Thanks, Coach.” 

“You’re a good kid,” Coach said like he always did. TJ still liked to hear it.

“Team looks like they could use Alex’s help,” is what his dad said. TJ gritted his teeth. 

“We do alright.” 

***

Cyrus seemed like he was doing fine, considering. But then, he was always really good at managing his emotions. In every way that TJ was an open book, Cyrus was not. TJ was still alright at reading him, he liked to think. TJ wanted to be there for Cyrus the same way Cyrus was always there for him.

TJ did a lot of googling before heading over. He had to figure out what would be appropriate to bring to a shiva, and then he had to read a _number_ of blogs to make sure he had found the best place in Shadyside to get challah bread.

He’s not really sure exactly what he expected from a shiva. He had the vaguest idea that it wouldn't be all black clothes and crying old ladies in a church like his grandpa’s funeral had been, but this wasn’t really a sombre event. (“More like a celebration of her life. How lucky we all were to know her,” Cyrus’s voice reminded TJ in the back of his head).

When TJ arrived, Cyrus was sitting in the living room with Andi and Buffy. Cyrus stood up to greet TJ. “You came.” He smoothed his shirt a little as he said it. TJ could feel his heart swelling in his chest. Cyrus sounded like he was genuinely really happy to see him. TJ would never get tired of that.

“Of course I came,” TJ replied. His voice was a little softer, a little more gravely than intended, but he was more than a little distracted by the look on Cyrus’s face. God, when he smiled like that he might as well have been the sun.

Bread. TJ brought bread.

There was a bit of a strange energy the rest of the day. Good strange, but strange. Cyrus seemed lighter, less tense, like he’d let go of something TJ didn’t know he was holding. Death makes you pretty introspective, TJ got that. 

He couldn’t stop looking at Cyrus. His heart eyes were obvious from space, he was sure, but TJ was too caught up in whatever this mood was to care too much if Andi or Buffy noticed.

It was a bit of a strange circumstance to realize he was, like, full on in love with Cyrus Goodman, but, well. You don’t really control that sort of thing.

TJ felt like he was handling this revelation pretty well. He really should have seen it coming, to be honest.

***

When Alex showed up at their house on Saturday, TJ steeled himself for another night of baseball and college talk. There was plenty of that, but TJ was also pleasantly surprised when Alex insisted that just the two of them go get ice cream. 

It was a very transparent excuse to tell whatever stories Alex didn’t want their parents to hear. They thought it was nice though, and TJ kind of did too. They hadn’t talked for real in awhile.

After they got their ice cream, they ate it sitting in the car in the dark parking lot. TJ had his feet up on the dash. Alex’s stories were disappointingly tame. Evidently when you're the only teammate getting a ‘real’ degree, you don’t have enough free time to go party with the boys. Score one for being brainless, apparently. TJ was a fan of free time. 

Alex mostly just wanted to know what TJ was up to, which was weird, because he had already gone to high school. He knew what it was like. He wanted to know about the team, and his old teachers, and if that mysterious stain was still on the cafeteria wall. He asked with an air of nostalgia, like he was fondly remembering his time in high school, and TJ didn’t think that would ever be him. 

“J Prom is coming up right? You going?” 

TJ did not like where this was heading. “Yeah.”

“Really?” Alex actually sounded surprised. “I thought you didn’t want to.”

TJ shrugged. _The boy I have a fat, gay crush on asked me to go so I changed my mind_ is what TJ didn’t say. Instead he went with “Yeah, well…” which was pretty unhelpful.

Alex took the vagueness as an opportunity to keep digging. “Do you have a date?”

There it was. TJ didn’t really _have_ to tell him anything. There wasn’t necessarily even anything to not tell, because Cyrus wasn’t really actually his date. Except that they were going together, not in a group, and they were going to be matching, and after the past week or so it really sort of felt like a lie to say it wasn’t a date thing. TJ sighed. Maybe it _would_ be nice to talk this through with someone. “Well, sort of? Not really? I can’t actually tell what’s going on.” 

“How are you not sure? What did she say when you asked her? Have you even asked her yet?”

TJ shoved a giant spoonful of ice cream in his mouth to buy time. Last chance to back out. Or. He swallowed and took a deep breath.

“He asked me actually. But not as dates. Just to go stag. Together. That's why I changed my mind about going. I wouldn't be reading so much into it but, like, he held my hand the other day. But only because I was upset about something and he was comforting me and that’s the only time he’s done that and we’re apparently just pretending it didn’t happen cause we haven't talked about it or anything either. _I_ want it to be a date thing, and it sort of feels like it could be, but I can’t tell where he’s at.”

Once TJ started talking, the whole thing just came tumbling out against his will. TJ sat perfectly still once he finished, eyes glued out the windshield on the bright lights from the ice cream shop. He probably should have tested the waters with the whole “my not-date is a guy” thing before dumping the whole mess out like that. He was met with silence, which didn’t necessarily mean anything bad because TJ gave him a lot to process and oh god he really should have thought this through before and this was all a huge mistake–

“Dude, that’s… quite the situation.”

TJ took a quick peek over at his brother, who, thank the lord, had a mostly normal human expression on his face, and not one of eternal hatred or something. He sort of looked more amused, like he couldn’t wait to tease TJ about his predicament, which, rude. TJ dropped his head into his hands and laughed, releasing some of the tension he was holding.

“Hey, but you said he held your hand. That seems pretty un-bros to me.” Alex added with a shrug. 

“Yeah, but it wasn’t actually–it was just our pinkies.”

He pondered this over a bite of ice cream, then said, “I actually think that might be gayer.”

“Alex!”

“What? It literally is gay, isn’t it?”

“But what if it isn’t! What if it’s just me that’s gay?”

“Why don’t you just ask him what the deal is? Make it clear what you want. Take charge.”

“God, you're so straight.”

“Excuse me?” He asked with mock offense. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I can’t just _ask_ him!”

“Why not?”

“Why not–it's–we’re gay, Alex. Or, like, I’m gay. It’s gay.”

“And…” 

“And if I acknowledge the gay shit I’ll disrupt the perfect balance we’ve made by _never speaking of it_. Who knows what would happen if I went against that!”

“I think you’re being a little dramatic.”

TJ crossed his arms. “I’m being an appropriate amount of dramatic. He’s my best friend, I don’t want to make things weird if it _is_ just me.”

Alex softened at that. “Does he know you’re gay? Or, actually, does anyone?”

“Uh, just you, actually.”

“Not even mom and dad?”

“No. NO. Absolutely not.”

“You know they wouldn’t care, right?”

Alex said it like he meant it, but TJ didn’t really know that at all and he didn’t want to find out. He didn’t say anything.

“TJ, they love you. No matter what.”

“It’s not always that easy.” And Alex didn’t really get that TJ’s relationship with their parents was totally different from his. It was a lot easier for Alex to say things like that and believe them.

“I don’t want to push. This is your thing and it’s up to you. But if you decide to tell them and want back up or moral support just call me alright?”

TJ wasn’t going to do it, so he wasn’t going to take Alex up on that offer but it was nice nonetheless. Alex, bless him, wasn’t lying about not wanting to push. Well, not about coming out. He was absolutely willing to push TJ about “getting his man.” 

“What exactly do you know about impressing guys?”

“Hey! I’ve had a girlfriend for like 2 years!”

TJ blinked. “Again, what exactly do you know about impressing guys?”

Alex punched his arm. “Fine, whatever, don’t take my advice.”

TJ was just glad nothing had changed. He should probably remember to talk to Alex more often, since he only kind of sucked most of the time. 

***

TJ’s parents were out of town the weekend of prom. They’ve had worse timing, honestly. They still hadn’t met Cyrus and Cyrus wasn’t very happy with them right now. Not that he would have been rude or anything, he was basically incapable of that, but still. It was probably for the best. Alex had asked for pictures, so TJ picked one of the two of them and sent it off.

When his phone buzzed, he assumed it was just Alex, but he had texts from his mom too.

“Why is Alex the only one who gets pictures?”  
“You and your friend look dapper :-)”

TJ sighed. If she had _asked_... TJ didn’t want to get worked up, so he didn’t respond and just checked the message from Alex.

“;)” is all it said. TJ decided it was time to put his phone away.

There was a weird vibe over the whole night, starting from when TJ arrived at the Mack house to take photos. Usually TJ felt like he could read Cyrus, and usually they were on the same page, but TJ felt totally in the dark. This was made even worse by Cyrus’s seemingly complete confidence about this whole thing, like whatever he thought was happening here he was absolutely sure of. What TJ wouldn’t pay to take a quick walk through his head.

Cyrus had gotten them matching boutonnieres. He insisted that they pin them on each other “like real dates.” How was TJ supposed to unpack _that_ statement?

When they actually got to the dance, TJ followed Cyrus around like a lost puppy. Basically three years into high school and this was actually the first time TJ had come to a school dance. He felt a little out of place. Cyrus was more in his element, dancing and singing along to the music with Andi and Buffy. TJ was not the kind of tense that he was earlier on in the year, but he still struggled to let loose completely like that. Especially surrounded by all these people. He tried his best though, because not dancing looked more awkward than awkward dancing.

When the DJ slowed it down and told everyone to grab a special someone, Cyrus turned to TJ and wiggled his eyebrows. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” TJ really wished he was if only so that he actually knew what Cyrus was thinking. Cyrus grabbed his wrist, which was promising, and then dragged him _off_ the dance floor, which is not what he was expecting. Not that TJ really knew what he was expecting. He felt so out of his depth with this whole prom thing, especially considering the confusing situation between him and Cyrus.

What he probably should have been expecting was for Cyrus to pull him to the table stacked with desserts. “I knew it!” Cyrus said with excitement. “We basically have all of this to ourselves during the slow songs!” That wasn’t exactly what TJ had fantasized about but there were worse things than unlimited dessert, probably. 

He watched as Cyrus grabbed a cream puff, holding it up to eye level with outstretched arms and swaying gently with the music as if he were dancing with it. “So beautiful,” he said with a fake sappy voice before dramatically taking a giant bite. He looked up at TJ and grinned around the mouthful. TJ just shook his head and laughed. He elbowed Cyrus lightly in the side before grabbing a cookie for himself. 

“You’re such a goof,” he said fondly. 

They were silent for a minute while they both ate.

Cyrus kicked lightly at TJ’s shoes. “Thank you,” he said, suddenly very earnest.

“For… calling you a goof?” TJ was two steps behind again.

“That too,” Cyrus said with a grin, before looking down at his feet. “But no. Thanks for keeping me company tonight.”

Like that’s been such a hardship. “Cyrus, I’m not hanging out with you to do you a favour or something. I wasn’t even planning on coming at all until you asked. The only reason I’m here is cause I wanted to spend time with you.” _We’re friends_ TJ almost added, but it didn’t feel quite right. He felt exposed. If Cyrus read into that admission, he’d probably figure out what TJ was really saying. TJ sort of hoped he did.

Cyrus looked up from his shoes and smiled shyly. TJ smiled back and held the eye contact, bumping gently into Cyrus’s shoulder and then staying there. 

The moment was broken when the DJ switched the song to something more upbeat. “Oh, I love this song! Come on!” Cyrus was already pulling TJ back out to their spot on the dance floor with the girls. TJ followed numbly, trying to figure out if he was imagining things or if he really actually had a chance.

It didn’t matter for the next little while. TJ let himself get caught up in actually having a good time dancing and singing along with Cyrus and his friends. He did sort of begin to see the appeal in the whole school dance thing. He wished a little that he hadn’t spent so much of high school being so detached and cynical, but he pushed it away. It wasn’t really the time or the place to worry about that. He wanted to stay in the moment.

When the DJ slowed things down again TJ was prepared this time and ready to head back off to the dessert table. Cyrus stopped him though, and said, “We could… I mean… if you want?”

The lighting was dim but TJ thought he could make out a slight blush on Cyrus’s cheeks. Always full of surprises, this one. TJ could feel his heart skip. Cyrus had always been braver than TJ.

“Sure,” TJ said, trying not to sound too excited, like this wasn’t all he could have wanted. 

TJ wanted to say that it was some sort of movie moment like he’d imagined, where everything suddenly slotted into place and it was the most natural thing in the world. It wasn’t, really. They were still two teenage dudes wearing rented suits in a sweaty high school gym. There was a moment of hesitation before TJ put his hands on Cyrus’s waist and Cyrus let his hands rest on TJ’s shoulders. They’d spent the last month or so making _meaningful eye contact_ all the time but TJ couldn’t bring himself to do it now. He looked over Cyrus’s shoulder instead, scanning the room and trying to ground himself. They were both a little stiff. Not that it wasn’t nice, just. This was breaching the whole ‘don’t speak of the gay stuff’ thing they had going. It was uncharted territory. TJ tried to force himself to relax. He accidentally made eye contact with Buffy over her date’s shoulder, and she wiggled her eyebrows at him before looking back at her date. TJ figured he should probably do the same. It was probably fair to call Cyrus his date now. Buffy’s reaction was encouraging. She would probably know if Cyrus liked him, right?

Cyrus wasn’t looking at TJ either. His head was next to TJ’s ear. “Look a little behind you to your left,” Cyrus whispered right into TJ’s ear. TJ startled, not exactly expecting any conversation. He glanced back where Cyrus told him to and found a couple just full on making out in the middle of the dance floor. TJ snorted. 

“That’s confidence,” Cyrus said. 

“Too much confidence, maybe” TJ whispered back. 

They made eye contact for the first time since the song started and it felt like something settled around them as some of the stiffness and tension dissipated. Cyrus took his hands off TJ’s shoulders and wrapped them around his neck instead. TJ’s heart was hammering in his chest. This really felt like a _thing_ , finally. TJ pulled him in a little closer by the waist. They held the eye contact, and TJ felt electric. 

The moment ended almost as soon as it began though, which was sort of their fault for taking so long to get there, because the song was over and switching to something faster again. TJ and Cyrus both lingered for a minute before separating. 

TJ didn’t really want to go back to dancing with the group, he wanted to continue the moment, so he mustered up the courage to be the brave one. “Want to go outside for a little bit? I could use some fresh air.”

“Me too.”

TJ grabbed Cyrus’s hand, interlacing their fingers this time, and pulled him outside to find a place to sit. He didn’t let himself hesitate or look back and check the reaction on Cyrus’s face. Cyrus would probably let go if he wanted to.

He didn’t.

They found a bench outside and sat down way closer than necessary, hands still linked. Neither of them said anything for a while. TJ absently started to play with Cyrus’s fingers. Cyrus leaned over to rest his head on TJ’s shoulder. TJ was content to stay like that and enjoy the cool air. He could still hear the music from inside, just barely. 

“TJ?”

“Yeah?”

Cyrus hesitated before leaning up and placing a gentle kiss on TJ’s cheek. TJ’s heart leapt and he could feel his blood rushing to his face. He revelled in it though, instead of pushing it away. Cyrus was here. This was something TJ could have. He unlinked their fingers to put his arm around Cyrus’s shoulder and tuck him into his side. Cyrus sighed happily and rested his head back on TJ’s shoulder. 

When the faint music switched to something slow again, Cyrus stood up and held out his hand.

“One last dance?”

TJ took his hand and smiled, pulling him in. There was no hesitation this time when Cyrus wrapped his arms around TJ’s neck. They rested their foreheads together, not looking away from each other’s eyes once. The moment felt sacred. They probably looked a little silly dancing outside by themselves where they could hardly hear the music, but there was no one there to see them. TJ wouldn’t have cared if there was.

**Author's Note:**

> uh, if you read the description and the note at the beginning and saw the word count and then decided to read the whole thing anyways i think you're neat and i appreciate the hell out of you  
> this was basically just me projecting my high school experience onto TJ and then taking a 15k walk through his head. it was really cathartic to write which was sort of the point, and i wasn't really ever planning to post it until i realized i was 10k into it and really i should try and make it coherent cause thats a lot of work to just never go anywhere.  
> If you catch any typos or things that don't make sense please tell me so I can fix them. I love feedback of any kind so leave me comments and kudos if you want! I also love to talk and im over on tumblr at tj-hearteyes-kippen and would love for people to send me asks or messages or whatever about literally anything because this hiatus is killing me and it's only been a week. thanks for reading!


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